Two years ago today, I felt a deep pain, a sense of relief, and eventhough time has passed, I still feel so much grief. Today, my emotions run high as I think of what advice my Granny could offer me in my life right now. As many times in life when emotions run high, I turn to music for comfort. I can’t seem to turn away from *surprise* a Phish song. The lyrics speak to exactly how I feel looking at my Granny’s picture frame, asking her questions she can’t provide an answer to.
You’re smiling at me From your picture frame And I miss you My life keeps on changing But you stay the same I miss you So many moments That we should have shared I miss you
And the days turn to years And it hasn’t stopped yet The memories we shared I will never forget No I will never forget
There’s a hole in my heart That will never be filled I miss you This all should get easier But it never will I miss you I float through the days And the long lonely nights I miss you
And I hear your footsteps You’re coming down the stairs Lost in your laughter The sun in your hair A brief recollection The light in your eyes I see the reflection But it passes by It passes me by
You’re smiling at me From your picture frame And I miss you Every morning I wake up And I whisper your name I miss you You’re in faces of people I see on the street You’re everywhere You’re everywhere You’re everywhere
-Phish
My Granny, ready for a hard day’s night taking care of others at Wake Medical
There are many songs that remind me of my Granny, Gospel was of course her favorite genre. We sang so many hymnals for hours and hours. Many times while picking vegetables in the garden, barning tobacco, shelling peas, shucking corn, or quilting, you could always hear my Granny singing. The song that most touched my soul when my Mama, she and I sang was Precious Memories. Indeed how they linger and flood my soul.
Precious memories, unseen angels Sent from somewhere to my soul How they linger, ever near me And the sacred past unfolds Precious memories how they linger How they ever flood my soul In the stillness, of the midnight Precious sacred scenes unfold Precious father, loving mother Fly across the lonely years And old home scenes of my childhood In fond memory appears Precious memories how they linger How they ever flood my soul In the stillness, of the midnight Precious sacred scenes unfold I remember Mother praying Father too, on bended knee The sun is sinking, shadows falling But their prayers still follow me Precious memories how they linger How they ever flood my soul In the stillness, of the midnight Precious sacred scenes unfold Precious memories fill my soul
To meditate on this special day of rememberance, I adventured to the beauty of Filisur, Switzerland to view the Landwasser Viaduct and enjoyed a long drive with lots of music and singing. While my Granny never traveled to Switzerland, she and I spent a lot of time on the road in the car singing together. I miss you so much Granny, I hope Heaven is treating you well, and I often dream of holding your hand again.
Beautiful FilisurLandwasser Viaduct, Train coming ’round the bend
Ripple in still water When there is no pebble tossed Nor wind to blow Reach out your hand if your cup be empty If your cup is full may it be again Let it be known there is a fountain That was not made by the hands of men There is a road, no simple highway Between the dawn and the dark of night And if you go no one may follow That path is for your steps alone
~ Grateful Dead
Tela really wanted to catch the trout in the Blausee, but I don’t think this would have been appreciated by anyone else 😉
It’s post infusion Sunday, which typically means I am at home recovering and resting. Today, my cup was drained empty, and I desperately needed it to be refilled. There is no easier way to accomplish this than to push myself to gain the energy for a jaunter into nature. Snow White (our new Subaru) provided easy access to walk into splintered sunlight into this glorious landscape of the Blausee. Today’s short hike provided us with geniune smiles, and despite the pain I am enduring, love and laughter in my heart. Today was truly a gem of a day to be in nature, meditate and redirect my thoughts and feelings.
Reflections of a bluebird day in SwitzerlandThe beautiful variation in the aquamarine hues of the Blausee is something a phone camera fails to truly capture
I have been blessed in my life to experience many wonderful places, and to be surrounded with love from many who are thousand of miles away supporting me in the processing of current challenges and the pathway ahead. Specifically this week, I have received a beautiful prayer shawl from my family’s church, and lots of kindness, energy and healing from a few special women I am priviledged to call my friends.
As with all life obstacles, we go through stages of acceptance of our challenges, and no matter how independent we are, we all are blessed to have support. Thank you to all those who are by my side and giving me your support, good thoughts and love. I’m geniunely grateful in all ways for your friendship, love and kindness.
I have been missing the mountains and snow so much, glory to Tela’s soul and mine!
I have said many times before, but I will say it again, if you are lucky enough to not face health challenges, you should never take this for granted. In the same vein, if you do have health challenges, fight, take in every moment you can. Refill your soul with whatever makes you happy. Seeing my golden girl play in the snow and the beauty of the majestic mountains put my mind at ease over the next few weeks of challenge.
Hearing the words, “you have Multiple Sclerosis”, brought on a new journey, challenges, made me learn what I was made of and the motivation to keep climbing the mountain no matter how painful or difficult
Sometimes reflection on the hurdles of your past gives you internal strength to begin the next challenges life has placed before you. Twelve years ago, I sat in my MS specialist’s office in Denver, CO and heard the life changing words that I had Multiple Sclerosis. It was a Friday afternoon, and I was to start IV Solumderol treatment immediately. However, this infusion could not be adminstered in the office due to it being right before the weekend. I was instructed to return to the Emergency Room where I was ensured that I would just go in and advise of what needed to happen. Everything was a blur. I need an infusion of what? When I arrived at the ER, the doctor’s orders had not been transferred, I couldn’t recall what medication I needed, and so the ‘amazing’ healthcare system in the US treated me like I was some drug addict coming in off the street asking for an infusion of Solumedrol like it was a pain killer. Only after being held in isolation, waiting until they could get a hold of my doctor was I treated like a person again. There were many apologies, but this certainly left a bitter taste in my mouth for how patients can be mistreated when doctor’s offices do not follow through with their responsiblities.
I had a great fear of needles. All of a sudden, my life was full of injections, infusions and strange medications. What did this mean for my life? I was just beginning life in Colorado, 30 years old and really advancing my professional career. Although I was really happy to finally have an answer for the horrible symptoms I had been experiencing, now what?
I recall getting in the car, to go home, and the first song that came on the radio was “Good Riddance” by Green Day. I will never forget that moment and those words still mean so much to me in coping with this disease.
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind Hang them on a shelf in good health and good time Tattoo’s of memories and dead skin on trial For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right I hope you had the time of your life It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right I hope you had the time of your life”
Since that time I have gone through several medication options, therapies, relapses, the inability to walk, losing my eyesight temporarily, complete numbness and weakness on my left side, being wheelchair bound, going through rehabilitation and learning to walk again, and moving on to really try to manage all the challenges this disease throws your way.
I have been very lucky in my life to work for a company who specializes in MS treatment and a found a therapy that allows me to continue my personal life and passions, including hiking and summitting mountains, biking, dancing, and broadening my professional career, expanding this last year to an international experience in Switzerland, something that 12 years ago, I would have never thought possible.
MS, just like any chronic illness or battle is a journey. They say whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This statement I firmly believe. We are pushed sometimes in life to go beyond the boundaries of what we think we are mentally and physically capable of managing. Dealing with mostly an “invisible chronic illness” brings even more rigor to this extra challenge. When even your loved ones forget you are battling and fighting everyday, because they can’t see what you are facing, it adds a deep complexity to this challenge.
The great news is we are living in a time where there are so many therapies to help people with MS live a better quality of life. When I was diagnosed, there were a handful of therapies available. Prior to my diagnosis, there were very limited if any options. I’m grateful for SCIENCE, for biotechnology, and all the advances to help people cope with this disease.
And so with life, always you have twists, turns, new challenges, and sometimes obtascles you don’t want to manage or deal with. Everyone deals with something everyday. The answer for me is simple, one day at a time, doing what is right for yourself and your family, and living each day, because you are never promised tomorrow. If tomorrow comes, you can’t take for granted you will have the same capabilities yesterday offered you.
So on this 12th anniversary, I am happy to have learned so much from this disease, Mulitiple Sclerosis. It has taught me patience to manage the unknown, who my real friends and support systems consist of, and given me strength and courage to battle the next challenges I face in this crazy thing we call life. I end this blog post with more music, love to all my readers and supporters, and a strength and will to fight and carry on the best we can with what we have. Carpe Diem!
It’s no easy road this struggle and strife We find ourselves in the show of life What’s on the schedule What’s on your plan Do you ever ignore What you don’t understand?
Don’t ask me ’cause I don’t know I just fasten my seat belt wherever I go
It’s been perfectly planned it’s completely insane it’s a revolving cast but it’s the same old game
Waves of people They come and they go Shine for a while It’s a marvelous show
It’s a limited time that we exist We slowly make our way into the mist
My thoughts are racing I see faces of the friends that I recall I’d like to take this time to thank you all
Just as the blind imagine what it is to have sight We slowly take a stroll into the night
It’s no easy road This struggle and strife We find ourselves in the show of life
In the show of life In the show of life (Find myself right here)
It’s been a while since my last blog post, as life is moving along at a breakneck pace. This morning I am awakened to a glorious Sunday filled with jazz music, coffee, and yoga while watching the beautiful snow fall to the ground. I’ve been longing for lots of snow, and have been a bit homesick for Steamboat Springs as they have received a ton of snow this year. Parts of Switzerland have gotten a lot of snow, but professional comittments and pressures have prevented me from being able to travel and induldge as I would like. Much like the mountains, snow creates a special serenity in my heart and soul.
After almost a year of living in Switzerland with no car, yesterday that streak ended. Sometimes in a world of constant change, having something familiar makes you feel more complete and at home, and opens up the possibility of new opportunties.
So we welcome once again to our autombile family-our car of choice, the Subaru Outback- Guten Tag, Snow White (Schneewittchen). Between Chris and myself this is our sixth Subaru Outback. In a country where most of my colleagues are driving BMW’s, Mercedes, Maserati’s, and other luxury cars, our choice is just a practical, reliable machine that handles well in the snow and mountains, and great for dogs and bikes.
Call it stubborn on my part, or just trying to live simple, I wanted to test my boundaries of relying on a car. For the most part, I would say I was pretty successful. However, yesterday, “Snow White” opened up new doors, like the possibility to shop at a grocery store that has an amazing selection, the the ability to purchase some items that won’t fit into a bicycle basket! It also allowed me to repay the favor of giving a dear colleague a ride to an splendid evening last night with colleagues and friends at a potluck Italian dinner. No matter how you slice it, a car does offer the chance to be more independent and efficient. Part of me feels like that 16 year old many years ago with more freedom!
Today one of my dearest friends/colleagues from RTP will be coming over for dinner so a day of domestic duties for cleaning and organizing awaits me prior to her visit. I haven’t seen her since I left the US, and I’m thrilled to welcome her to Switzerland to the home she so generously pre-viewed for us before we were able to see it.
Wishing all you beautiful people an amazing week full of whatever makes your heart and soul happy.
Every month since moving to Switzerland, I have traveled to Basel University Hospital to get my monthly Tysabri infusion for MS. Today, I began my journey as any other has started by taking two trains from my village, then boarding a city tram that takes me just a short walk from my infusion clinic. I always work during my infusion, so I had my backpack with laptop with me. Today was quite different than my usual journey.
As I was walking to the tram, out of nowhere, I felt my backpack being jerked with a significant force that brought me to the ground. Someone decided they wanted my backpack, but did not recognize it was so secured to my body. Thankfully, this ended with me and my “mugger” both just hitting the ground. He had no weapons, there were plenty of people around and I was very vocal and explicitive in letting him know this was not a welcomed approach. Kind folks around gathered the police. I reported the attack, my “mugger” was taken into custody by the police.
I was deeply in shock, and may still be a little shocked that all of this happened. I was very lucky in all ways that there was nothing taken from me physically, no bodily harm done, but what I do feel very deeply was a sense of being awakened.
Eventhough I am a frequent traveler all around the world, events such as this one leave you in a state of awareness. I am so incredibly lucky, as this the best ending such an event could have. So I felt a Public Service Announcement blog post was in order, a confirmation for all people, women, men, children, whomever to not take your safety for granted. Even if you live in one of the safest countries in the world, safety is never a guarantee. I send alot of gratitude to the kind folks who helped me get to the police today. Kindness rules!
Sometimes in life, we reach to our past for strength for the present and the future. As time has flown in 2019, and we find the calendar is already near mid-January! As many on planet Earth, I am navigating through novel challenges, and adopting the most effective ways to deal with them. Change is something fairly constant and promised, similiar to taxes and death that we can find experiencing in life. How to most effectively manage change is of course the key to our own resilience but also how we most effectively deal with the surrounding world, our family and friends.
There is much to be said about living in the present. The concept of “being present” always inspires me to be better. I think it is difficult to always remember to embrace the present if you have a planning personality, or professionally you have milestones and goals to achieve that are critical. Whatever marathon journey you may be on, it is imperative to focus on today in order to ensure the milestones ahead are a successful reality. One of my favorite women pioneers was Amelia Earhart. Today, as I live in the present with inspiration, I think this quote captures my mantra and thought process.
“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.“~ Amelia Earhart
Part of this journey of living abroad means of course embracing and trying things that I have never experienced before in life, even if they were available to me. Last night, for the first time in 42 years, I attended a ballet, a classic, the Nussknacker. My favorite part minus laughing and enjoying the company of my friends was admiring the strength, grace and beauty of the dancers.
In life’s journeys we are often challenged to make a conscious decision, whether it be to stop and smell the roses, the lavender, or to stop and appreciate the rainbows, even if they are the woman made ones! This video was sent to me from a dear friend and her beautiful daughter, bringing a big smile to my face early this morning.
After a particularly sleepness night, this small reminder of simplicity, and child-like wonder brings so much joy to my soul this morning. This is a reminder to me that no matter how old I grow, it’s important to your happiness to maintain perspective and appreciate the lucidity and beauty of even woman made rainbows :). Embrace and release your inner-child and unicorn daily, allow yourself to breathe in the small things, because even if your world can be clouded by ‘big’ things, it’s important to take in all the joys. The small pleasures surely can bring your heart more love, laughter and inspiration.
Before really plunging into 2019’s busy work schedule and the mountains that are before me, I want to take a moment to reflect on one of the best vacations I have ever experienced. My husband and I spent the week of Christmas in the beautiful island of Mallorca. Although we were there in the peak ‘off-season’, I could not have imagined a more amazing time. Days were spent in relaxation, hiking and meditation for me, and lots of cycling to re-energize his goals. The island, in particular the Tramuntana Mountain range, was added to the short list of special places that re-energize my soul. I am absolutely thrilled by the opportunity to experience such a rejuvenation before a very busy work year. I’m also excited to know a place I love is only a short flight away and look forward to enjoying more adventures on this island. From the people to the culture, and the beauty that surrounds, it was the perfect pick to end out a busy 2018.
Thanks for joining me! I have decided instead of using Facebook to have my family and friends keep up with me to start a blog in 2019. “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.” ~ Mark Twain
In April 2018, I relocated from Steamboat Springs, Colorado to Switzerland for work. I had always wanted to experience living and working abroad since growing up in a very rural location in eastern North Carolina. I had the opportunity of doing quite a bit of international and domestic travel for work, and I knew taking this chance to have a more ‘permanent’ adventure abroad would be our chance to truly carpe diem!
Adventures in this thing we call Life 